Bobby Valentine crashes

In the final days of one of the most painful seasons of his career, Red Sox Manager Bobby Valentine on Tuesday lay entangled with his bicycle at the bottom of a ditch next to the Central Park Reservoir.

On the wet, slippery path, Valentine was reading a text on his phone from Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox second baseman, and riding his bicycle. When he looked up, he had to swerve to avoid the umbrellas of two French tourists walking in front of him. The bike skidded, and he lost his balance and went careening head over pedals down the side of the hill by the road.

David Waldstein, N.Y. Times.

OK, there’s a lot here so we’ll start with the local stuff. Regular readers know I’ve been riding my bike around the city lately, including somewhat regular morning laps of the same Central Park loop that felled Mr. Bobby Valentine. On a personal note, I’m a little bummed I missed this as a) I would have been happy to come to Bobby V’s aid and share with him my feelings on Steve Phillips and b) I typically try to distract myself from the fact that I’m exercising by looking for celebrities on the path, so this would have been a banner day. (I always think I see Alan Arkin jogging but it turns out a lot of old New York guys just look like Alan Arkin.)

Anyway, to Bobby V’s credit, it’s easy to assume you’re safe to fumble with your iPhone while riding your bike around the park, especially during the hours when the path is free of auto traffic. But pedestrians, I’ve found, present far more troubling — if ultimately less dangerous — obstacles to bicyclists than cars, which behave way more predictably. Pedestrians will turn around and make eye contact with you then step right into your path as if they didn’t see you. And pedestrians with umbrellas, we know, are the very worst type. You really can’t ever lose focus.

As for Bobby V, it’s just a pie-in-the-face punchline to an absurdist play of a season. Remember, Mets fans, your opinions of Bobby Valentine a couple years ago? I can’t speak for you, but I loved Valentine in his tenure as the Mets’ manager and felt sure he was unfairly fired for Phillips’ shortcomings. Before his recent stint in Boston, he had all the makings of aTedQuarters hero: Sandwich innovator, fake mustache enthusiast, champion of Melvin Mora, relentless self-aggrandizer, baseball ambassador, manager of the only Mets team in my conscious lifetime to make the World Series.

What happened? Just a few weeks into his tenure with the Red Sox, Valentine appeared out of touch with his players and started throwing some under the bus — the exact opposite of the qualities we always credited him for while he was with the Mets. Did Valentine change, or did he not change enough? Or were the situations just so tremendously different that he was well-suited for one and utterly wrong for the other? Or is he just the fake-mustached face of the Mets’ success in the late 90s and the smirking image of the Sox’ futility now when in both cases it had way more to do with the guys on the field than the man on the bench?

I suspect it’s some combination. But at least he’s survived this latest fall, and it is good to hear he’s communicating with his star players.

Your chance to electrocute David Blaine

David Blaine, the magician and endurance artist, is ready for more pain. With the help of the Liberty Science Center, a chain-mail suit and an enormous array of Tesla electrical coils, he plans to stand atop a 20-foot-high pillar for 72 straight hours, without sleep or food, while being subjected to a million volts of electricity….

When Mr. Blaine performs “Electrified” on a pier in Hudson River Park, the audience there as well as viewers in London, Beijing, Tokyo and Sydney, Australia, will take turns controlling which of the seven coils are turned on, and at what intensity. They will also be able to play music by producing different notes from the coils….

“It’s like having your whole body surrounded by static electricity, the kind that makes your hair stand up on end,” Mr. Blaine said afterward. “It doesn’t hurt, but it’s strange. I have no idea what 72 hours of exposure to these electromagnetic forces will do to the electrons in my cells and the neurons in my brain.” One prediction he will make: the 27-pound Faraday suit will feel a lot heavier after a couple of sleepless days standing on a pillar.

 – John Tierney, N.Y. Times.

Why? Just… why?

That said, I’ll probably check this out because Tesla stuff.

Taco Bell Tuesday

Not just Taco Tuesday, Taco Bell Tuesday.

Chipotle gets Einhorned: Remember David Einhorn, hedge-fund honcho and would-be part owner of the Mets? He’s rich enough that the stock market actually reacts to things he says, which is… please David Einhorn send me a million dollars. Anyway, at some sort of rich-guy conference this morning, he announced that he was short-selling Chipotle stock largely because of Taco Bell’s Cantina Menu.

Einhorn said, among other things, “Taco Bell has started to eat Chipotle’s lunch,” which is clever. At one point, according to Barron’s:

He then sang “Come to Taco Taco Taco Taco Taco Taco Taco Bell.” Really.

Needless to say, Einhorn’s behavior prompted some hand-wringing and age-old Taco Bell jokes from some Twitterers, but he was laughing all the way to the bank (and stopping at the drive-thru on the way) when Chipotle’s stock dropped five percent.

I don’t really know what else to say. I don’t even own a stock, but if I did I’d probably want to buy up both Chipotle and Taco Bell because they’re both delicious and why not hedge my bets? Note: Do not take stock advice from TedQuarters.

I think Twitterer @RTDaniels put it best:

https://twitter.com/RTDaniels/status/253158919801810944

That’s Gordita, buddy. But yeah.

Taco Bells to glow in real life and not just in our hearts and minds: Remember that new Taco Bell prototype discussed here a couple of weeks ago? It turns out it’s going to glow purple in the night.

The design’s most striking feature is a layer of narrow black metal slats covering one of the building’s four tan exterior walls. At night, LED lights shine Taco Bell purple light out from between the wall and the slats, which are spaced out slightly to let light through.

“As night falls, and as late night begins, we really celebrate that light-night feeling with a purple glow that comes from behind the slat wall,” [Taco Bell’s director of concept development Dan] Roberts said. “You will be able to see it from a quarter-mile away. This building is truly going to be best on block, it will truly be a beacon in the night.”

So that’s the greatest and best thing I’ve ever heard. Also of note: Taco Bell has a “director of concept development,” and I have a new life goal. Just not sure I’ll be able to match the work of my predecessor, the guy who came up with the Glowing Taco Bell idea.

Kansas State coach Bill Snyder loves Taco Bell: I’m not a huge college football guy, but I just became a Kansas State fan. Bill Snyder’s all right by me.

Taco Bell searching for media agency: Honestly, I have no idea what they’re looking for or why because I got bored by the article about a paragraph in, but I’d like to throw my name in the ring anyway. It starts with passion for the product, Taco Bell. And I feel this is just the tunnel I’ve been seeking toward my career in Taco Bell concept development.

 

 

Speaking of Edgardo Alfonzo…

You know the cliche about how every baseball game brings something you’ve never seen before? Check this out — click the picture to play it:

Of note: Curtis Granderson realizes it’s hilarious but Chad Jenkins acts like it’s no big deal and walks toward the dugout. That’s got to be adrenaline, right? There was just a baseball rocketing in the general direction of his head, so you can excuse him for maintaining a straight face. Otherwise, Chad Jenkins just has no appreciation at all for the absurd.

For what it’s worth, I saw the aforementioned Edgardo Alfonzo do something vaguely similar in 2000 while I was working at Shea. They made vendors show up a few hours before game time to get assignments, then we had nothing to do until about a half hour the first pitch. So I’d always sit somewhere in the Field Level seats and read while the Mets took batting practice and the women of Queens held up signs with their phone numbers on them proclaiming themselves “The Future Mrs. Piazza.” (That actually happened.)

Anyway, one time Alfonzo was at second base while some lefty hitter hit a sinking line drive about five feet to his left and a little over his head. Alfonzo took a step and sort of lazily tossed his glove at it, and the glove somehow actually caught the ball in flight and held it in the webbing until they hit the ground.

The best part about it, to me, was that Alfonzo — by then already a five-year Major League veteran — expressed about as much excitement as I would have if I did the same thing. He shot his arms up in the air, yelled out, and started looking around to see if anyone else had seen. When none of his teammates acknowledged it (there’s a lot going on during BP, and it was entirely possible no one had seen), I applauded as loudly as I could from 10 rows deep behind the Mets’ dugout. Then, playing it cool, he sort of nodded in my direction and collected his glove like it was no big deal.

Edgardo Alfonzo rules.

On Trout vs. Cabrera, briefly

Fun fact: If you space out in high school history class and the teacher calls on you to answer some question you did not hear, always say, “Nationalism.” It’s better than even money that’s an acceptable response. Trust me, I spent a lot of time spaced out in high school history class, paying just enough attention to learn that history textbooks will chalk up every international conflict to nationalism, among other things.

In high school, I always thought that seemed ridiculous. Really? People will go to actual war over my side vs. your side silliness? Civilized people? My know-it-all teenage self figured it first for an oversimplification, then a needless complication, something that is really true only in high school history class.

Then I tuned into some of the AL MVP debate online and it didn’t seem so hard to believe.

I’m kidding, obviously, and I know that everyone currently arguing for and against the MVP cases of Mike Trout and Miguel Cabrera realizes that MVP Awards are a frivolity, like sports themselves, and only merit such heated rhetoric within the narrow confines of baseball chatter. And sometime in December when it all has passed, the staunchest Troutite and the loudest Cabreratista might run into each other somewhere and say, “oh hey, that was great fun, both players are excellent, baseball is wonderful,” and share a beer and a hearty bro-hug.

I’m only saying that I don’t really care to pour my teacup of kerosene on an already raging inferno, and that most every argument — good, bad, ironic, angry, etc. — has already been made for both players, plus the backlash to those arguments and the backlash to the backlash. And the season isn’t even over yet.

Anyway, that’s all a lengthy build-up to a rather obvious point: Mike Trout is ridiculously awesome.

Mike Trout deserves to win the AL MVP this year, I believe. But if he doesn’t, he’ll probably get at least one eventually.

By baseball-reference’s standards, Trout is in his age-20 season. He has, to date, a 156 career park- and league-adjusted OPS+ over 765 plate appearances. That’s extraordinary. Here is the complete list of baseball players who put up an OPS+ above 140 over at least 500 plate appearances by their age-20 seasons:

Ted Williams
Mike Trout
Ty Cobb
Mel Ott
Mickey Mantle
Frank Robinson
Jimmie Foxx
Rogers Hornsby

Besides Trout, every single one of those guys is a Hall of Famer. Every one. All but Ott won an MVP award at least once, and Ott got totally jobbed in 1938. The average for non-Trout players on that list is 1.9 MVP Awards (or their equivalent), and both Hornsby and Cobb dominated their leagues in long stretches in which no such award existed. Also, Trout plays a premium defensive position exceptionally well and steals tons of bases without getting caught. In short, if Trout turns out anything like as good as the historical precedents suggest, he should win plenty of MVP Awards by the time he’s through. If Trout’s as good as we hope — and this is a terribly heavy thing to put on a 21-year-old — he’s going to be an inner-circle Hall of Famer.

Cabrera, meanwhile, is no slouch himself. And though the Triple Crown, like everything else, is a frivolity, it’s nonetheless a rare one. And while neither batting average nor RBI is necessarily a great stat with which to assess offensive talent, you’re never going to find a Triple Crown winner who’s not a transcendent hitter. So Cabrera is that. It seems like he has somehow sort of flown under the radar despite being the second best hitter in baseball for most of his career, and if it takes a novelty like the Triple Crown to make him a household name, then great. Guy’s awesome, let us not forget.

Which is all to say, I guess, that it’s not really worth getting so furious about.

Depends on the deal

No one wants to hear it, and I get that. It’s the time of the year and the type of the year when we’re so fed up and worn down that we just want to worry about which guys the Mets should get rid of without concerning ourselves with why the Mets are getting rid of them.

Sure, if pushed any rational human would allow that no trades happen in vacuums and that all this-guy or that-guy talk in early October is merely a means of passing time between the last remaining regular-season baseball games, and no one really needs to be reminded so frequently that whether this-guy or that-guy should be traded always depends on the deal. And frankly, at this point, it’s getting obnoxious.

But it’s still true every time.

Should the Mets trade David Wright? I don’t know. Should they trade him for Mike Trout? Yes. Should they trade him for Greg Dobbs? No.

The Mets should trade Wright if they believe the players they receive will be worth more to them than Wright and their ability to sign Wright to a contract extension — a difficult thing to evaluate. Wright is a world-class player, the best in franchise history. He endured a few rough seasons by his standards from 2009-2011, but even then was still excellent. In 2012, he returned to form with an MVP-caliber season.

Or maybe 2009-2011 is the form and this is the fluke.

The Mets will finish with 75 or fewer wins this season and don’t appear primed to contend next year, even if it’d be silly to write off any team for 2013 in October, 2012.

Wright will eventually decline, as all players do. But when, and how severely? How much will it cost to extend his contract, and how much more than that price tag will he have to be worth to them to merit keeping him around? If the Mets know they can get multiple cost-controlled everyday players in return for Wright, maybe they can maximize their resources by trading him now and signing someone else with the money they (hopefully) had earmarked for his extension.

But then, how often do players as good and as young as Wright hit the open market these days? Can the Mets really hope to find a better fit in free agency?

Sandwich of the Week

Having a bicycle and an unexpected free Saturday opens up huge swatches of the five boroughs for sandwich exploration. John Brown smokehouse sits somewhere between the towering Citigroup building and some glimmering high-rise waterfront apartments in an area of Long Island City that would mostly be faded yellow squares in SimCity — glass installers, metalwork, taxicab equipment. It doesn’t feel unsafe or uninteresting, it just doesn’t happen to be a populous thoroughfare filled with restaurants and bars. And that’s fine; many of the best sandwiches live off the beaten path.

The sandwich: The P.B.L.T. from John Brown, 10-43 44th Drive, Long Island City.

The construction: Pork belly, lettuce, tomato and mayo on Texas toast, which here means very thick-cut but untoasted white bread, not the prepared version of Texas toast that is grilled with butter.

Important background information: Everything I read about John Brown before I went recommended the burnt ends sandwich, one of their specialties. But I figured if I already read plenty about the burnt ends sandwich, why not introduce the Internet to something new? There may or may not be a hog shortage coming, friends, and there’ll be plenty of time to eat brisket once we’re priced out of pork.

What it looks like:

How it tastes: Man. Oh, man. Holy s@#$.

OK, let me start with the simple stuff while I collect myself. Lettuce, tomato and mayo don’t sound especially exciting on a sandwich, I understand. Boring, even. But those ingredients, in combination, present a delightful and versatile array of light flavors and textures as well as a certain grounding quality. They are crisp, moist, creamy, summery and familiar.

The bread, fresh and thick, is so soft that it wears under the considerable weight of the meat and toppings. It’s sweet and delicious, but if I had one quibble with the construction of this sandwich it would be that the bread is not quite up to the task of containing the rest of the sandwich. No matter; paper towels are available on every table. And, really, if you’re at a barbecue restaurant hoping to keep your hands clean, you and I have nothing in common.

There are two barbecue sauces on the table at John Brown: A vinegary, peppery mild version and a fiery hot one. I used a touch of both. They’re great.

Now on to it:

It’s the pork! The pork, the pork, the pork, the pork.

Pork belly comes from the same part of the pig as our American bacon, which is likely what inspired this sandwich. But this pork belly is not prepared like bacon: It’s slow smoked but not cured, and it’s cut in thick hunks rather than sliced thin and fried. The result is a hearty, fatty, smoky meat. It’s just a touch chewy but not in any way tough, providing just enough resistance against the teeth and jaw to force you to slow down and enjoy the awesome, awesome flavor of the sandwich. Think meat stripped from perfectly prepared smoked spare ribs. Oh it’s so good.

There’s some talk that word of a forthcoming pork shortage could be overblown, but I wouldn’t risk it. In fact, upon finishing the sandwich, I considered going back for a second before realizing it would make the bike ride back to Manhattan unbearable. Got to get that pork in me while I can.

I took the long way home and biked north along Vernon Boulevard toward the Triborough grinning like a madman. With Manhattan’s skyline looming on my left and the 59th St. Bridge dead ahead, I reveled in society’s grand accomplishments, and all the astonishing things we have done with pork.

What it’s worth: The P.B.L.T. cost $11, which is a lot. But it’s a full meal even without any of the awesome-looking available sides.

The rating: 95 out of 100. All sample-size caveats apply and smoked meat can be fickle, but this is one of the best sandwiches I can remember eating in New York City.

The Jets’ offense… oof

Without delving too deeply into glory-days stuff, I’ll say that the last time I saw a football team’s offense look so utterly inept and overmatched, I was in high school. Our first two quarterbacks and two of our starting offensive linemen were hurt and our starting tailback was suspended, and every kid on the opposing New Hyde Park team looked like he was 27 years old and on steroids. We tried to resort to mind games, up to and including having the entire line set up in our stances singing “I’m a Little Teapot” before the snap, but their body games consistently defeated us.

Everything I wrote last week about the pervasive uncertainty and sample-size issues that should dominate football analysis still applies, and I understand that the Niners’ defense appears legit. But yesterday we got 50 more plays’ worth of evidence with which to judge this Jets’ offense, and just about every one them suggested it is awful.

But then they’re still 2-2.

 

Friday Q&A, pt. 3: Food stuff and randos

Via email, Rob V. writes:

Do you get unsolicited comments/advice/critique on your facial hair? I have a pretty solid beard going at the moment, and pretty much everyone I see points out the gray whiskers that seem to be winning out, or that there is a little spot that is a bit sparse. Others love to call me Wolfman Jack or Grizzly Adams. I mean, come on, right? I don’t go around commenting on other people’s appearances in a mocking tone. Well, not to their faces anyway. Can’t a dude grow some hairs without it turning into a conversation piece?

Well, I never have facial hair beyond a few days’ stubble, so not really. Sometimes I’ll go four or five days without shaving and someone will be all, “oh hey, growing a beard?” And I’ll say, “nah, just lazy,” and that’ll be about the end of it. I wasn’t trying to hide it, but just to clarify: The mustache I wore to interview Keith Hernandez yesterday was fake. It was my good fake so I understand how it fooled some people.

I cannot grow a mustache. I have a very thick beard that comes in fast but only a few lame mustache hairs. Unfortunately, every facial-hair style I’d ever want to fashion requires a decent mustache, so it limits me to a few days’ stubble and clean-shavenness. Such is the irony of my biography. Due to the regularity with which I have to do video stuff for SNY.tv, I haven’t actually tried growing anything out in years. So maybe my mustache is better than it once was. That’s the hope I hold on to.

I do, however, provide unsolicited comments, advice and criticism on people’s facial hair all the time. If I haven’t seen a friend in a couple of months and the next time I do, he’s got some sort of chin beard going, I’ll say, “You’ve got some sort of chin beard going, eh?” Usually I’m encouraging, though, and tell everyone they’re great beard guys even if they’re not necessarily great beard guys.

So to answer your question: No, some dude cannot grow some hairs without it turning into a conversation piece. That’s a sweet beard, and what the hell else are we going to talk about? You’re really a great beard guy, Rob.

https://twitter.com/kmflemming/status/251690874793230337

What? Yes! Of course they are! Bananas are delicious, and some form of peanut butter and banana sandwich has been favored by both David Wright and Elvis Presley. I repeat: David Wright and Elvis Presley.

Oh man, I just got an idea for a new Don Berg painting.

https://twitter.com/connallon/status/251690255336476672

OK: Are we talking homemade pizza bagels on real bagels here or Bagel Bites? Either way they’re in first place pretty easily. Pizza bites come second, and beg the question: Why aren’t we serving more foods in bastardized, microwaveable egg-roll wrappers?

I’ll put pizza Hot Pockets and Elio’s Pizza down for a toss-up because I haven’t had either since roughly seventh grade. I bet I’d prefer Elio’s today because occasionally I get a waft of something that smells just like Elio’s Pizza and I crave Elio’s Pizza and that never ever happens when anything smells like Hot Pockets.

https://twitter.com/Devon2012/status/251689030171893760

Yes, definitely. I don’t even understand what the downside is. I don’t get to enjoy sleep anymore? But the only reason I really like sleeping is because it staves off all those side effects of not sleeping. So if I wasn’t ever going to be tired and the rest wasn’t going to help my back feel better, why not? I could watch so much TV! Also, I’d love to be able to get out in the middle of the night now that I live in the city. Manhattan is awesome when it’s quiet.

I’m a pretty terrible sleeper and always have been. By now I’ve figured what I need to do to fall asleep, but for most of my life my mind would start racing irrationally after I went to bed and I would find myself staring at the ceiling in the dark for hours. There were times in high school and college when I’d go two or three days without actually sleeping more than an hour or two.

https://twitter.com/Bert1335/status/251688595931410432

There’s a place for all of them, but straight up? Crunchy. Call me old fashioned.

Statler or Waldorf. Sitting in my tower judging things and laughing about it is pretty much what I do here. In college, my roommates and I set up our couches stadium-style. We’d throw parties, and my roommate Will and I would sit up on the highest level couch demanding people bring us drinks and then mocking them. It was great. Girls really liked us, fellas.

https://twitter.com/omniality/status/251688238610259970

Face, because I also want that nickname. Also, the actor who played Faceman was named Dirk Benedict.

https://twitter.com/CatsmeatP_P/status/251688930087419904

I’m so glad Catsmeat asked this. The 90s-party phenomenon fascinates me, partly because it makes me feel tragically old for the first time in my life and partly because I feel I am almost always more appropriately dressed for a 90s party than people actually on their way to a 90s party. Right now I’m wearing a plaid shirt that’s way too loose-fitting to be trendy, some ratty brown pants and Doc Martens. Groups of kids on their way to 90s parties always seem to feature a bunch of people dressed for raves and a couple guys in old flannels with ripped jeans and Nirvana t-shirts. DAMMIT I WAS THERE AND THAT’S NOT HOW IT WAS!

There are a lot of 90s fashions begging to be revisited for 90s parties. Jnco jeans, for instance. Another good option is to just go as Dr. Dre, wearing a black White Sox hat, a black button down and black jeans, with optional black denim jacket.

But since I know you to be a great beard guy, Catsmeat, I’m going to say you should definitely go as this guy from the “Black Hole Sun” video. Not everyone would get it, but everyone who did would be a) really impressed and b) probably pretty cool.