Reports of Bigfoot’s existence exaggerated

Real-life friend Lee passed along this link to’s thorough takedown of the recent press release boasting DNA evidence of Bigfoot’s existence. It’s worth a read, and it answers several of the questions I asked when posting the press release earlier this week. Specifically, the DNA was taken from — among other places — a blueberry bagel from a Michigan backyard known for Sasquatch sightings. Apparently Sasquatch love blueberry bagels.

And while you’re at it, click on some of the links then slide merrily down the Internet Bigfoot rabbithole. Or start here, if you want to cut out the middlemen. There are a lot of people online who have a lot to say about Bigfoot.

Still rooting for Bigfoot here, but I’m guessing any increase in recent Bigfoot sightings and accompanying Sasquatch science is something similar to what happened with the crop circles in England: Pranksters producing copycats and ultimately hysteria. That’s only slightly less fascinating than Bigfoot, though. And I’m still waiting on a satisfying explanation for cattle mutilation.


A team of scientists can verify that their 5-year long DNA study, currently under peer-review, confirms the existence of a novel hominin hybrid species, commonly called “Bigfoot” or “Sasquatch,” living in North America. Researchers’ extensive DNA sequencing suggests that the legendary Sasquatch is a human relative that arose approximately 15,000 years ago as a hybrid cross of modern Homo sapiens with an unknown primate species.

The study was conducted by a team of experts in genetics, forensics, imaging and pathology, led by Dr. Melba S. Ketchum of Nacogdoches, TX. In response to recent interest in the study, Dr. Ketchum can confirm that her team has sequenced 3 complete Sasquatch nuclear genomes and determined the species is a human hybrid:

“Our study has sequenced 20 whole mitochondrial genomes and utilized next generation sequencing to obtain 3 whole nuclear genomes from purported Sasquatch samples. The genome sequencing shows that Sasquatch mtDNA is identical to modern Homo sapiens, but Sasquatch nuDNA is a novel, unknown hominin related to Homo sapiens and other primate species. Our data indicate that the North American Sasquatch is a hybrid species, the result of males of an unknown hominin species crossing with female Homo sapiens.

Color me skeptical. I’m not typically one to doubt scientific research, but I don’t know nearly enough about the validity of the specific science here to go all in on Bigfoot. For one thing: Where did they find Sasquatch DNA?

Obviously I’m rooting for Bigfoot to exist, but someone needs to make with the Sasquatch before I take back all the nasty things I’ve said about everyone involved in the production of Finding Bigfoot.

Also, if Sasquatch — which is apparently the plural of Sasquatch, not Sasquatches — actually exist and have managed to defy the best efforts of the Finding Bigfoot crew and just about everyone else for this long, they’re probably pretty smart and strongly prefer not to be messed with. So, you know, factor that in before you get searching.

Via Gothamist.

Sea tornado? Sea tornado

Via Gizmodo:

I may or may not have been out extremely late last night watching a certain unranked college basketball team take the nation’s No. 1 team to overtime only to be jobbed by what looked like (from my extremely biased perspective) awful officiating. And since the Internet will likely be slow on Friday, I’m probably leaning on the Q&A crutch this afternoon. Here’s a contact form for anyone who wants to submit a question and doesn’t have the Twitter:

Thank you for reading TedQuarters

This is the 5,000th post published to this site since it launched in Oct. 2009. I don’t know why I felt the need to note it here, as I typically don’t have much time for milestones and didn’t even notice when I passed any earlier mark. But for whatever reason, I saw this one coming from a couple hundred posts away. Let us mark the occasion with a celebratory photograph:

In all seriousness, thank you for reading TedQuarters. Though I’m a rather vain dude — site’s called TedQuarters — it is pretty crazy to me that there’s a non-zero number of Mets fans outside of my immediate family who care to read about what I ate for lunch yesterday. I appreciate it. I enjoy this part of this job very much and I am reasonably proud of some of the material I’ve produced for this site, and I know from my history that I would not bother keeping it up if I didn’t know that people were reading.

Also, for what it’s worth: The goal here has never been quantity. But by my best estimate, in terms of word count this site’s archive is in length somewhere between War and Peace and In Search of Lost Time. Tolstoy couldn’t lean on Q&A posts for content, though.

Friday Q&A, pt. 3: The randos

Well, if we’re considering my current living situation, I’m pretty limited. The apartment’s cramped enough with just two of us in it, so as badass as it would be to have a white tiger skulking around — and as much as that would fit with the decor — it just wouldn’t be practical. And I’d say a small monkey of some sort because monkeys are hilarious, but we know from Beltran that monkeys can wreak havoc on apartments and I’ve got a large outstanding security deposit. So I think I’d go with a two-toed sloth, just chillin’ out on top of our bookshelf, bothering no one, cracking me up with its apparent laziness. Look at this thing:

If I had a lot more space, I think it’d be cool to own an elephant because you can RIDE elephants. What if you lived in some quiet suburban town somewhere, and you’re setting off on your sorry little day, and who’s blocking your route to the train station but me on my way to the deli on the back of my trusty three-ton elephant? The only issue is elephants in captivity make me and everyone else who has seen Dumbo very sad.

For those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s Christmas. Thanksgiving at my parents’ house is typically better than Thanksgiving elsewhere because my mom’s Italian and serves delicious Italian food alongside the traditional Thanksgiving fare. But turkey is pretty wildly overrated and not nearly worth the build-up. The sides are still good, and in principle I support a holiday based on sitting around, eating and giving thanks for the things you have.

But though the build-up and hype before Christmas and the Christmas-shopping process are awful, the relief from Christmas preparation that comes with the holiday, combined with all the same family togetherness stuff from Thanksgiving, combined with the fact that the food is often just as good if not better, combined with the promise of gifts, give Christmas the clear advantage.

I’d still put Thanksgiving up against most holidays, though.

Near as I can tell, pants are a thing because it’s difficult to ride a horse in a tunic and because a strong breeze up a kilt can get awfully chilly in wintertime. But I’ve been pretty consistent in this, I think: Once our oppressive society deems it appropriate for men to wear skirts to work, I will wear a skirt to work.

I try not to complain about any aspect of my job because I realize plenty of people don’t have jobs to complain about and because mine is a sweet job in which I get to write about baseball and the atrocities of mandatory pants. But I’ve been pretty open in my distaste for this office’s dress code, which states that men must wear non-denim pants even when their responsibilities are limited to editing websites and rarely having anyone outside their immediate vicinity in the office seeing the lower halves of their bodies. It’s like they have no idea how much my output would increase and improve from the comfort afforded by shorts in the summer and jeans at all other times. Man, I hate pants. Quoth me:

Friday Q&A, pt. 2: Food stuff

What kind of vile hypothetical is this? Are we counting just traditional American-style belly bacon, or does this extend to jowl bacon and back bacon as well? And do I get to choose which pinky?

Depends on the deal, but I’m probably severing the pinky. I might ask for a grace period to try life without bacon for a year or so to consider how frequently I use my pinky versus how often I want bacon.

But outside of typing, I really don’t have much all that use for my right pinky. I need the left for playing the guitar even though I don’t use it as much as I should when I do. The right one is sometimes useful for little grace-note flourishes on the bass, but those are hardly worth bacon. I bat and throw right-handed in baseball, but I’m pretty certain I could do both just as terribly with one fewer digit.

I’m glad someone asked about Hostess. This can’t really be it for the Hostess line of products, right? The way I figure, the Twinkie and HoHo are too valuable for those products to disappear entirely. So we just need to hope whatever company purchases the brands maintains the same standards that Hostess did, and, ideally, the same bakeries. I also suspect that there are probably enough extant Twinkies to keep the world well-stocked until long after oil production peaks and society crumbles, at which point the lack of Twinkies will be the least of our problems. Though I suppose they’d be at their most useful then, since they’ll never, ever go bad.

All that said, it’s Hostess Cupcakes. So good. One time, for some occasion or another, I gave my wife a kit to make homemade Hostess-style cupcakes. They were delicious, but not as good as the Hostess Cupcakes we could have purchased at the supermarket with far less hassle.

Seems that way, huh? I’ve had, to date, three food items that I know of “named” for me, mostly due to my own prodding. The first was an ice cream sandwich on cookies at the freshman cafeteria in college, “The Berg.” People would argue that ice cream sandwiches existed long before I arrived on campus, but I countered that the idea to construct ice cream sandwiches from the cafeteria’s cookies and ice cream — which were, for whatever reason, pretty far from each other — was my original concept. Oh, the naivete of youth! Some of my friends took to calling it that, but I think only when I was around to humor me.

The second was “Berg’s Pepper Barge” at the deli where I worked. Pepper ham, pepper turkey and fresh mozzarella with optional roasted red peppers and oil and balsamic vinegar on a hero. It’s delicious.

The third is “The Ted Berg,” a drink inspired by the green tea and whiskey combination I enjoyed in China and, of course, the Arnold Palmer. It’s roughly three parts unsweetened green tea, one part lemonade and one part whiskey. It’s delicious and refreshing and it gets you drunk. Order it by name at your favorite local watering hole. Be prepared to then explain what it is and be disappointed when they don’t have unsweetened green tea. But keep ordering it by name anyway. I’d really like this to catch on. The Ted Berg.

As for the “OG” in my Twitter handle, I never expected it to remain there this long. I ripped it off from Chad Johnson (ne Ochocinco), who was @OGOchocinco until whoever had @ochocinco relinquished it. But I do keep it real on there, and the construction’s still pretty funny to me.

What would be on The OGTedBerger, though? That’s the important thing. I don’t like my burgers too buried in toppings, so some degree of topping austerity is paramount. I’ll have to think on this more, but it might be bacon, cheddar, barbecue sauce and fresh jalapenos.

You’re blowing my mind right now, Michael. Oreos are by far my favorite mass-produced dessert, nuts to the Hostess products discussed above. But on a sandwich? I don’t know. I’d try anything once, but I’d be concerned you’re ruining a good sandwich or ruining some good Oreos? It’s aesthetically unsettling, for sure.

Follow the two-fold path: Is the sandwich appreciably better for having the Oreos? Are the Oreos better on the sandwich than they would be on their own? Tell me.

What, what?

Coyotes now inhabit every state in the country except Hawaii, eating mostly rodents, rabbits, and fruit while making their homes between apartment buildings and in industrial parks and popular recreation areas in metropolitan areas from New York City to Chicago to San Francisco. Recent research suggests that coyotes could prove to be just the first of a wave of larger carnivores — bears, cougars, and wolves — moving into residential areas.

Josie Garthwaite, N.Y. Times.

I’m sorry, did you say bears, cougars and wolves?

I clicked through on the recent research and couldn’t find any reference to bears, cougars or wolves. But it turns out coyotes are about as fascinating as they are terrifying, and are difficult to control or study because they’re too smart to trap. So good luck out there. And here I thought nothing could be worse than Cougartown.

Twitter Q&A, pt. 2: The randos

Via email, Bill asks:

Any thoughts to the new Bond movie being released today?

I know you love The World Is Not Enough.

Bill asks that because he knows I do not love The World Is Not Enough, as Bill was, in fact, sitting next to me when I nearly got my drunken ass kicked in a DC movie theater by some juiced-up meathead who apparently liked the film. I regret nothing. That movie was terrible and everyone around me deserved the truth.

But no, I don’t have many thoughts on the new Bond movie being released today? Daniel Craig seems alright and Javier Bardem is definitely awesome, but I might boycott all Bond movies until someone caves and casts Jason Statham as Bond.

Trick question: There’s no such thing as an average dude with a mustache.

I’m an odd plater, but I had no idea Tom was asking about gas-rationing particulars until I followed up. I don’t drive much in any case, but right now my car is still dead on the side of the street. Thanks to Diwali, I can leave it there until Friday without getting a ticket. That means Thursday night I’ll be scrambling to find a tow truck.

I just spent a good amount of time discussing this with a trusted associate, and it pretty much just turned into the two of us listing as many peripheral Arrested Development characters as we could. They’re all great. It pretty much has to be Barry Zuckercorn, only because he’s got the most screen time of all them and a lot of the funniest lines. But certainly Steve Holt, White Power Bill and the Hot Cops deserve nods.

A bigger challenge might be coming up with a bad Arrested Development peripheral character. I didn’t care for Martin Short’s role or Gene Parmesan much, but other than that, it’s tough to think of any.